Love is Possible!

James and April Hopkins' Wedding 6/16/07

I caught the bouquet!

April and Me

What a gorgeous picture of them both!

Wow! I can't believe how great we all looked. April and James are the bestest friends I could ask for. I am so happy that they are able to be a positive role model for all couples out there who need to know that at least one couple can make it. If they can, anyone can. Everyone said nothing but good things about how this wedding looked. I got a comment from someone today saying that most bridesmaid dresses look ugly to her but the ones that April picked out are so elegant. Even her dress is beautiful!

These are very common known verses from the bible:

"Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable and it keeps no record of being wronged. It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out. Love never gives up, never loses faith is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance." 1 Corinthians 13:4-7

"Things things will last forever- faith, hope, and love- and the greatest of these is love." 1 Corinthians 13:13

As quoted above, couples must work together to ensure that they are patient with one another, say kind words, and never give up on each other. If any couple really truly loves each other, they will keep their faith. By the verse saying that it has no wrongs means that even though mistakes will be made throughout the course of the marriage, they must learn to deal with the mistakes and move on and not keep it on their plates. For example: a couple I know, the husband just bought a car without telling his wife. The wife was a little upset because she wanted to be involved in the finances as well. She wanted to be in the loop. They talked about it and then they worked it out. There are no longer any wrongs in their relationship (none I know of).

Love can be possible, we just need to learn how to love.....

Yesterday is History

"I am amazed by how many individuals mess up every new day with yesterday. They insist on bringing into today the failures of yesterday and in so doing, they pollute a potentially wonderful day." I having been reading The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate. Now I know that I am not married but this book could help me know how to act towards my future husband. The author makes a good point with the above quote. I have done that as well and messed up many opportunities. When I got out of college, I wanted to immediately apply to graduate school but didn't. I kept putting it off. I had my reasons for it. One: I felt that I wasn't good enough for grad school and that it was only for very educated people. Two: I was already knee deep (or let's say neck deep) in student loans that had to be paid back. I didn't want another financial burden. Three: I was making 1,000 dollars a month being a first year teacher at my former job.

Because of my history of low self-esteem, and money troubles, I wasn't going to go through with it. If I had done it in 2003, I would probably be close to finishing grad school by now. However, one day in 2005, I told myself that I would apply and see what happens. I send in necessary paperwork, wrote a paper, and then six months later, I got an acceptance letter! I was SHOCKED!

When I applied for undergraduate college back in 1997, I had a passion to go to NC State Design School. I applied to NC State and Meredith College in hopes of staying in my hometown because most of my friends were staying there as well. I got two rejection letters from the two schools stating that my SAT Scores were too low for acceptance. It hit me hard and I knew that I was never good enough to begin with. It wasn't until college, I took a class of Testing and Measurement and my professor stated that the SAT were a norm-reference test. I felt a lot better and wished that they had told me that in high school. Clearly, I thought that the SATs measured if you were smart or stupid. Barton College took me because they didn't accept people based on SAT scores but looked at GPAs. My GPAs was in the average range so I was accepted.

I have learned that we can't waste our day with regrets. I remember what Cameron Diaz said in her chick flick movie The Sweetest Thing: "Regrets are such a waste of time."

Live everyday as if it is the first day of your life. We can't let history condemn us. History will always be there staring at us in the face but we accept it, learn from it, and move on. I know there are many things that I have done that I am not proud of but I just let it stay in the past and make a fresh start. Many people are afraid of moving on because they think that the past will keep on occurring to them. For example: I have gotten dumped by every guy I have dated except for one that I dated in high school. I started to think if I dated another guy I will get dumped by him as well because it is a pattern. Later I realized that it isn't me, they got the problems and they should have had their head screwed on straight before trying to date me or take me out.

Watch the movie Elizabethtown starring Orlando Bloom and Kirsten Dunst. They show a very good example of leaving history where it belongs and living a new day problem free.

Ever had this dilemma before?

My Identity, do you accept?

This is me in 1984 in preschool. Can't you tell from the background and the scribbling that I once did? I had to wear an auditory trainer and I hated it. You will see that it was scrapped to my body. It is a violation of moving freely. They don't make it like that anymore and I had cords that came out of it to my ears. I used to always pick up something and put my hand down and it would yank the cord. Drove me crazy. If I tried to scoot up my chair, the trainer would hit the end of the table and make a crackling noise. It cut down on freedom for a small child. I NEVER liked those. I was even talking to a friend of mine who had to wear the same thing I did and she said it was hard to hug people and we looked like robots. My students now wear small boots in their personal hearing aids and it is only on their ear. No cords or trainers, those are now gone! I wish I had that freedom then. Technology wasn't so advanced as it is now.
Image from www.faithemporia.org

I sometimes asked myself, why did one little thing have to go wrong in my life? I can never change it. It is my identity and sometimes I don't like it and sometimes I feel that I have touched lives because of it. I think God wanted me to be this way. I was born with full hearing. I was learning my first words and articulating words like crazy. At age 2, I got very sick to the point where I almost died of meningitis and a very high fever. I stayed in the hospital for a long time trying to get well. I didn't die but it affected part of my ear and left one completely deaf. I grew up with low self-esteem. I still have it today but I try to fight it. I usually fight it and then someone has to come along and crush me with this "disability" that I have. I don't usually say anything to the person who has offended me. I feel that it doesn't do anything, they are going to be the same stubborn hard-headed "hearing" person who thinks they are better than someone who isn't normal like them.

On the positive side, I have touch lives of deaf and hard of hearing children. I strive to be a role model for them. I have gotten angry with many teachers that I now work with who say that they give them good grades because they feel sorry for the children that I work one on one with. Since I am their resource teacher, I don't see them all day like they do. No, my students do not deserve good grades because "aww, look at the poor child." Heck no! They deserve it because of their ability to try. When I worked at Eastern NC School for the Deaf, I gave some of my students good grades because they worked hard for it and some I gave bad grades because they did not care about their effort. I treat them like any other individual. We aren't that different, we are humans but most humans think that others should be the way they are or they would not accept them. Jesus stated that God made us all Brothers and Sisters of Him. Why can't we all accept one another. That is why there is so much hatred in this world.

While overweight people can lose weight, laser eye surgery is a success, plastic surgery make people prettier..... a deaf person will never be a "Hearing" person. While many people think they understand deaf culture and technology used to improve amplification, they really don't. Hearing aids and cochlear implants do not make a person hearing, I am waiting for technology to come out where we can hear better without having machines on us.

For most of my relationships, the guys I have been with were very embarrassed by who I was.
That is why I can't have a successful relationship, there is always a barrier in front of me that I can't cross to succeed. Last year, I wrote this to a guy I still love with all my heart.....

"Someone asked me why I don't wear my hearing aid.......

I spent my whole life being offended. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to live the next day or my future with "this". I have been blamed for many things in my life because of what I have. This is my identity and since I work with deaf people, they are very successful and have taught me to accept myself as I am. I need to borrow this video from Sandy my deaf friend about deaf culture to show to you. I am between the two worlds of deaf and hearing culture. Think of it this way, as if both of them are tugging at my arms trying to pull me side to side. I don't know what world I belong in. I spent my whole life trying to figure out who I really am. I look in the mirror and I don't know who I see, I still don't. But I know I can't change this. I have many deaf friends who are criticized because people "look down" on them. The truth is that my deaf friends work hard to accept hearing people for who they are. But many people haven't accepted them for who they are. They don't think its fair. I don't think its fair either. Why should I have to wear a hearing aid? My family and hearing friends think it is very important that I should be like them. They have tried to change my identity since I can remember, trying to make me hearing and when it is unsuccessful, they yelled and screamed at me, "Why can't you just be normal, why are you so stupid? Why this or why that? " I wanted to repsond, " Why can't you find a more effective way of communicating with me?" None of my family cared to learn signs or any kind of effective communication, they were only concerned about themselves. This is one problem I have with some parents at my school. They tell me or other teachers that they don't have time to learn sign. Hello! Your child is deaf, you don't even try to make them successful or even talk to them. I understand why some children don't want to go home on the weekends to see their family because their family won't talk to them. How lonely!

I have learned that this is my identity. I don't like things on me like a hearing aid, or EVEN heavy necklaces or jewelry on me, or heavy belts. I don't need a machine to make me better than I really am. The video that Sandy has explains successful deaf people who don't wear hearing aids or cochlear implants (a device that is implanted in your skull to make you hear better) who want to be accepted as deaf and are proud of themselves. You don't need to hear to learn, you can learn through signs or lipreading or writing notes.

You know that girl that lost her arm while she was surfing named Bethany Hamilton? She was bitten by a shark and lost her left arm. She didn't give up surfing, yet she doesn't wear an artificial arm to surf, she uses one arm. I would NEVER EVER tell her to put on her artificial arm to go surfing. She is happy the way she is.

If you care about me even a tad bit, you would find a way to communicate with me. None of my hearing friends have made an effort to sign to me EVER! I do remember Angela asking if she should learn sign. She can but I don't see her very often. Someday very soon she will learn. Do you want to learn? It doesn't look stupid in public, many people are very fascinated about it and want to learn as well. I do it in public with my deaf friends and I don't care what others think.

It is up to you but you won't force a hearing aid in my ear, and by the way, I can't find it anyways.......

(At the present time, it has been found but is broken. It will cost me a lot of money to get it repaired)."

Look how I have changed!

Beach Week 07 Topsail Island!

I am very behind on posting an entry. I have been so caught up on life. In my last post, I have mentioned change. I am still trying to adjust to the fact that one of my good friends moved away. His house was up for sale but it didn't get sold yet. He came back last week to repaint it and clean it up. I helped him clean it. I didn't really want to but I care about him so I want to help do what's best.

Anyways moving on....

My cousin send a forward today about how much we have changed in the past six years. I don't normally do forwards but I am sitting at home on Saturday night alone. My friend EJ left and went home after watching Ferris Bueller's Day Off. It was my 20th time seeing that movie but he had NEVER seen it! I was shocked. I thought every person my age had seen it! See what you might not know about me!

6 Years Ago- 2001

1. How old were you?: 20 and 21
2. Where did you go to school?: Barton College
3. Where did you work?: Walmart Photo Lab
4. Where did you live?: College Dorm- Wenger Hall with the Delta Zeta Sorority (I was a sister yes)
5. Where did you hang out?: Hmm, Bully's snack bar and on the hall with the sisters
6. Did you wear glasses?: 2001 was the first year I wore glasses, the first time I saw an eye doctor and my eyesight wasn't that terrible then so I didn't wear my glasses but only to drive
7. Who was your best friend?: Melissa D, Melissa S, Dana, Angela
8. How many tattoos did you have?: none
9. How many piercings did you have?: ears
10. What car did you drive?: Toyota Corolla
11. Had you been to a real party?: Iwas in college so yes
12. Had you had your heart broken?: well I dated guys but didn't fall in love with any of them.
13. Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: single or dating status

2 years ago- 2005

1. How old were you?: 24 and 25
2. Where did you go to school?: I graduated college in 2002 with hopes of going to grad school
3. Where did you work? Eastern NC School for the Deaf teaching fifth grade and working security at the Fairgrounds
4. Where did you live?: Clayton
5. Where did you hang out?: Mitch's house
6. Did you wear glasses?: contacts
7. Who was your best friend(s): Melissa D, Melissa S, Dana and most of the people on my top friends list
8. How many tattoos did you have?: none
9. How many piercings did you have?: double ears
10. What car did you drive?: Honda Civic
11. Had you been to a real party?: yes at Mitch's house where I had to take away EVERYONE's keys and babysit them to make sure they didn't do anything stupid, I cleaned up puke on the floor, it was very pleasant
12. Had you had your heart broken?: Yes but someone came along and healed it!
13. Were you Single/Taken/Married/Divorced?: TAKEN!

Today- 2007

1. How old are you?: 26 almost 27
2. Where do you go to school?: NCSU for my masters!
3. Where do you work?: Wake County Public Schools- Forestville Road Elementary- Hearing Impaired Resource Teacher
4. Where do you live?: Raleigh
5. Where do you hang out?: not sure anymore, I pretty much stay home, was Mitch's house until he moved away
6. Do you wear glasses?: contacts
7. Who is/are your best friend(s)?: everyone on my top friends list
8. How many tattoos do you have?: none
9. How many piercings do you have?: ears
10. What car do you drive?: Honda Accord
11. Have you been to a real party?: Beach Week 07 was all a party!
12. Have you had your heart broken?: on and off yes

There has been a change in my life every year. My career seems to have be successful for me. Apparently, when I started Wake County Public Schools, someone showed me my salary. Yesterday when I went to refinance my car, the loan officer asked me my income. I told him what I thought it was according to the lady who told me when I started. Well, he looked at my paycheck statement and said that I make 4,000 dollars more than I thought! Woah! I always look at the net pay instead of my gross pay because my gross pay I don't really get. However I wish that they would stop taking out too much taxes.

While I have everything I need materialistically, a successful career, one thing is missing: love. In the teaching field, it is common for a teacher my age to get married or at least get married by 3o. While marriage is the last thing on my mind, I feel that my career is telling me I have to do it because that is what the students expect. Most of my teachers got married and had kids. Even now, teachers my age are married! I rather be in love with someone and be happy. As for kids, I used to not be maternal but lately I have hung around smaller kids, not the older kids I work with (though I love my older kids) and I feel the passion for a child. Don't get me wrong, I am not wanting one now but eventually. I think it might change my whole perspective in this world. It would give me something worth living for. Men come and go in this lifetime. It isn't the 50s anymore. Most men seek only to be physical not nurturing (I didn't say all but men are TOTALLY different than women).

As Ferris Bueller quotes, "Life moves by pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around, you could miss it!" This is one of my favorite quotes that one everyone should live by.