My Identity, do you accept?

This is me in 1984 in preschool. Can't you tell from the background and the scribbling that I once did? I had to wear an auditory trainer and I hated it. You will see that it was scrapped to my body. It is a violation of moving freely. They don't make it like that anymore and I had cords that came out of it to my ears. I used to always pick up something and put my hand down and it would yank the cord. Drove me crazy. If I tried to scoot up my chair, the trainer would hit the end of the table and make a crackling noise. It cut down on freedom for a small child. I NEVER liked those. I was even talking to a friend of mine who had to wear the same thing I did and she said it was hard to hug people and we looked like robots. My students now wear small boots in their personal hearing aids and it is only on their ear. No cords or trainers, those are now gone! I wish I had that freedom then. Technology wasn't so advanced as it is now.
Image from www.faithemporia.org

I sometimes asked myself, why did one little thing have to go wrong in my life? I can never change it. It is my identity and sometimes I don't like it and sometimes I feel that I have touched lives because of it. I think God wanted me to be this way. I was born with full hearing. I was learning my first words and articulating words like crazy. At age 2, I got very sick to the point where I almost died of meningitis and a very high fever. I stayed in the hospital for a long time trying to get well. I didn't die but it affected part of my ear and left one completely deaf. I grew up with low self-esteem. I still have it today but I try to fight it. I usually fight it and then someone has to come along and crush me with this "disability" that I have. I don't usually say anything to the person who has offended me. I feel that it doesn't do anything, they are going to be the same stubborn hard-headed "hearing" person who thinks they are better than someone who isn't normal like them.

On the positive side, I have touch lives of deaf and hard of hearing children. I strive to be a role model for them. I have gotten angry with many teachers that I now work with who say that they give them good grades because they feel sorry for the children that I work one on one with. Since I am their resource teacher, I don't see them all day like they do. No, my students do not deserve good grades because "aww, look at the poor child." Heck no! They deserve it because of their ability to try. When I worked at Eastern NC School for the Deaf, I gave some of my students good grades because they worked hard for it and some I gave bad grades because they did not care about their effort. I treat them like any other individual. We aren't that different, we are humans but most humans think that others should be the way they are or they would not accept them. Jesus stated that God made us all Brothers and Sisters of Him. Why can't we all accept one another. That is why there is so much hatred in this world.

While overweight people can lose weight, laser eye surgery is a success, plastic surgery make people prettier..... a deaf person will never be a "Hearing" person. While many people think they understand deaf culture and technology used to improve amplification, they really don't. Hearing aids and cochlear implants do not make a person hearing, I am waiting for technology to come out where we can hear better without having machines on us.

For most of my relationships, the guys I have been with were very embarrassed by who I was.
That is why I can't have a successful relationship, there is always a barrier in front of me that I can't cross to succeed. Last year, I wrote this to a guy I still love with all my heart.....

"Someone asked me why I don't wear my hearing aid.......

I spent my whole life being offended. Sometimes I wonder how I am going to live the next day or my future with "this". I have been blamed for many things in my life because of what I have. This is my identity and since I work with deaf people, they are very successful and have taught me to accept myself as I am. I need to borrow this video from Sandy my deaf friend about deaf culture to show to you. I am between the two worlds of deaf and hearing culture. Think of it this way, as if both of them are tugging at my arms trying to pull me side to side. I don't know what world I belong in. I spent my whole life trying to figure out who I really am. I look in the mirror and I don't know who I see, I still don't. But I know I can't change this. I have many deaf friends who are criticized because people "look down" on them. The truth is that my deaf friends work hard to accept hearing people for who they are. But many people haven't accepted them for who they are. They don't think its fair. I don't think its fair either. Why should I have to wear a hearing aid? My family and hearing friends think it is very important that I should be like them. They have tried to change my identity since I can remember, trying to make me hearing and when it is unsuccessful, they yelled and screamed at me, "Why can't you just be normal, why are you so stupid? Why this or why that? " I wanted to repsond, " Why can't you find a more effective way of communicating with me?" None of my family cared to learn signs or any kind of effective communication, they were only concerned about themselves. This is one problem I have with some parents at my school. They tell me or other teachers that they don't have time to learn sign. Hello! Your child is deaf, you don't even try to make them successful or even talk to them. I understand why some children don't want to go home on the weekends to see their family because their family won't talk to them. How lonely!

I have learned that this is my identity. I don't like things on me like a hearing aid, or EVEN heavy necklaces or jewelry on me, or heavy belts. I don't need a machine to make me better than I really am. The video that Sandy has explains successful deaf people who don't wear hearing aids or cochlear implants (a device that is implanted in your skull to make you hear better) who want to be accepted as deaf and are proud of themselves. You don't need to hear to learn, you can learn through signs or lipreading or writing notes.

You know that girl that lost her arm while she was surfing named Bethany Hamilton? She was bitten by a shark and lost her left arm. She didn't give up surfing, yet she doesn't wear an artificial arm to surf, she uses one arm. I would NEVER EVER tell her to put on her artificial arm to go surfing. She is happy the way she is.

If you care about me even a tad bit, you would find a way to communicate with me. None of my hearing friends have made an effort to sign to me EVER! I do remember Angela asking if she should learn sign. She can but I don't see her very often. Someday very soon she will learn. Do you want to learn? It doesn't look stupid in public, many people are very fascinated about it and want to learn as well. I do it in public with my deaf friends and I don't care what others think.

It is up to you but you won't force a hearing aid in my ear, and by the way, I can't find it anyways.......

(At the present time, it has been found but is broken. It will cost me a lot of money to get it repaired)."